play on words

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Dangling modifier jokes:

We don't know each other very well.

You've spent every hour with me for five days in a row. At this point you know me better than my parents.

I don't know your parents at all. - Studio 60

Repetition of words:

I don't like Jr. crossing the road. As a matter of fact, I don't like Jr. - G.Marx

Mark it fragilly. F-R-A-G… Look it up, Jamison, it’s in the dictionary. Look under "fragile." Look under the table if you don’t find it there. - G.Marx

Opposite words:

Funny, I’ve met a lot of pin-up girls, but I’ve never been able to pin one down. - G.Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. - G.Marx

Playing off polysemous:

Groucho: You give up that silly peanut stand and I'll get you a soft government job. Now, let's see . . . How would you like a job in the mint?

Chico: Mint? No, no, I no like-a mint. Uh . . . what other flavour you got?

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. - G.Marx

Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): to Jamison So, you just omitted them, eh? You just omitted the body of the letter, that’s all. You’ve just left out the body of the letter, that’s all. Yours is not to reason why, Jamison. You’ve left out the body of the letter.

Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): All right, send it that way and tell them the body will follow.

Horatio Jamison (Zeppo Marx): Do you want the body in brackets?

Capt. Spaulding (Groucho Marx): No, it’ll never get there in brackets. Put it in a box.

Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me? - G.Marx

Mrs. Potter: Get out of this room, or I'll scream for the servants.

Hammer: Let the servants know! Let the whole world know! About us!

Mrs. Potter: You must leave my room. We must have regard for certain conventions.

Hammer: One guy isn't enough, she's gotta have a convention.

Hammer: on phone You want to know where you can get a hold of Mrs. Potter? I don't know, she's awfully ticklish.

Mishearing of words:

Groucho: It's all right, tha-that's in every contract. Tha-that's what they call a sanity clause.

Chico: Ha ha ha ha ha ha... you can't fool me. There ain't no Santy Clause.

Groucho: Don't you know what vessel is?

Chico: Sure, I can vessel... starts whistling

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way.

That’s what I always say. Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo - G.Marx

Oh, you’re from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah? He lived in whales for awhile. - G.Marx

It’s hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. - G.Marx

Time flies like an arrow, Fruit flies like a banana. - G.Marx (This quote is under the clock in Studio 60 - this might fit into another category as well)

Hammer: What would you like? Would you like a suite on the third floor?

Chico: No. I'll take a Pollack in the basement.

A play on idioms:

I’d have thrashed him to within an inch of his life, but I didn’t have a tape measure. - G.Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. - G.Marx

Go, and never darken my towels again. (darken my doorstep) - G.Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. - G.Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard. (children should be seen and not heard) - G.Marx

Time wounds all heels. (Time heals all wounds) - G.Marx

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. - G.Marx

Hammer: Believe me, you gotta get up early if you want to get out of bed. - G.Marx